For my birthday, my girlfriend bought me a week of Personal Training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my school football team, I decided to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer call Beccy, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimsuits. My girlfriend seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Beccy waiting for me. She is something of a Greek Goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! She gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill and was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in that skintight near-transparent Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted the aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Beccy was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
Tuesday: Drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Beccy made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on both ends! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Beccy's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me. Celebrated with great sex with my girlfriend (although I'll admit to fantasizing that it was Beccy I was humping).
Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by strapping the toothbrush to the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Beccy was impatient with me, insisting that my screams and groans bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and, when she scolds, he gets this nasally whine that I'm surprised not to have noticed before. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Beccy put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by lifts and escalators? Beccy told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. Stupid bitch, what does she know?
Thursday: Beccy was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl (must be her time of the month). I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She put me to work out with the bloody dumbbells. When she wasn't looking, I ran and hid in the changing room. She sent some twat called Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday: I hate that cow Beccy more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world - stupid, skinny, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would slap her with it. Beccy wanted me to work on my triceps; I'm not even interested in dinosaurs. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich (which I am sure you learned in the Lubyanka, or whatever Gulag you graduated magna cum laude from, you KGB slag.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday: Beccy left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrill voice demanding why I didn't show up today. Just hearing her made me choke on my lager and want to smash the phone up. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote, and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the fucking Weather Channel.
Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is finally over. I will also pray that next year my girlfriend will choose a gift for me that is more fun - like root canal work or a vasectomy.
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